Today

I feel like maybe there was a time in my life when I was truly happy.  It's hard to remember that now.  I am happy, I've always been a happy person, but after the death of my mom something inside me was irreparably broken.  Living my reality is hard.  I miss her so much.  My mom was kind and funny and full of life and she's gone and when I really think about it, it makes me really mad.  I don't think I'll ever understand it and I don't think I'll ever get over it.  It's hard to explain how I feel.  I wonder if this is how I will feel for the rest of my life.   Am I sad? Do I just miss her? Can I miss her and not be sad? I can't tell.  Today marks the second anniversary of her death and I am feeling especially vulnerable, but I know that this too shall pass.  Is that what people say to make themselves feel better? I guess that's all I can say to myself.  I'm not sure what else to feel or expect.  Will I ever feel like myself again? Mind you myself is a hot mess to begin with but . . . . don't get me wrong, I am happy and very grateful for the life I live but it's hard to imagine the rest of my life without my mom and yes I know eventually I would have lost her anyway but it's one thing to lose your 90 year old mom vs losing your 53 year old mom who happened to die a very painful death.  I just wasn't ready.  People that I had known who died from cancer died within months of being diagnosed, my mom lived for more than two years and surely I thought: all this suffering wouldn't be in vain right? "God" wouldn't let her go through all this and not save her? I wasn't ready.  So just give me today, one day, to just mope around and be sad . . . and I just have to remind myself that this too shall pass, right?

My friend Moni said I should write about my feelings and it truly does make me feel better, it's like I am releasing the longest breath of air after holding my breath for a long time . . .

P.S. Don't cry for me Argentina, I'm fine and tomorrow is a new day . . .

Tootles

xoxoxoxo

I love you mami, always and forever . . . .